Note:  This letter contains profanity and may not be safe for work and sensitive people. 

Blawnox, PA – Dear Friends,

Today is a great day for the University of Pittsburgh.  We are now all grown up and legitimate.  Being in the Big East felt like being the bastard child of the town slut and Eddie the use car salesman.  I mean, we knowingly associated with WVU.  Knowingly!  It’s been over a year since that ended and I still feel dirty.

So we last reached out to you, almost two years ago (See Link).  Our intention at the time was to say, “Thank you.”  And we remain thankful to be associated with such a good group of schools.  However, some things have changed in those two years.

First off, the conference is much different.  Gone will be Maryland.  Joining Pitt and Syracuse are Notre Dame and Louisville.  So in the spirit of accuracy, we feel we need to provide our thoughts to those new schools along with updating our previous stances on you guys.  And now that we’re officially in the conference, we’re going to be pretty honest with some of you.  We kind of feel as if we met on that first date a couple years ago and then some of you just let yourselves go.  You know the feeling:  you start dating a size 6 and two years later she’s a size 12.  Well, there are consequences for such behavior.  And to be fair, some of you have really improved yourselves.  So there’s credit to give out.  But enough with the explanations – let’s get going.

1.  University of Maryland:  Alright, I’ve only got so much time for you.  So many issues but you know that size 6 to 12 analogy I made?  That doesn’t apply to you.  You’re more like the size 6 to 18.  You’re just stupid.  Look at yourself – just look at what you’ve become.  “Oh, I have a great idea – I’ll play shitty football for 100+ years in a crappy conference where no one really cares about football; and then go join a big conference who only cares about football, corn, and rust (in that order).”  How dumb are you guys?  We used to feel a kinship with you – now I’m just embarrassed that we share a border.  Do you know what Minnesota is like in January?  Have fun being the shit stain on the Fat 10’s underpants. Dummies.  Oh, and lacrosse is for douchebags.

2.  North Carolina State University:  Where have you been hiding?  You don’t call; you don’t write.  Do they have internet in that part of the South?  Or did you forget to pay your Comcast bill?  With all the problems at UNC, we would’ve thought you’d try to capitalize.  I mean, how could a school with it’s big in-state rival going through massive turmoil not make a big splash and seize the opportunity to gain new fans?  I just can’t imagine this sort of thing happening in another place, where the school colors of said rival are also blue and white.  Wait – shit, I just caught myself in a mirror.  Never mind….

3.  Wake Forest:  I still don’t know who you are and still don’t care.  Your colors are “shit’ brown – wtf, dude?  $50K per year to attend a school that’s sole mission is to teach you how to market cigarettes – good grief.  I’ve seen you out in the neighborhood; wearing Ralph Lauren at a Kenny Chesney concert is just tacky.  But you don’t care – your head is so far up your ass that you could live in San Francisco.  Dork.

4.  Georgia Tech:  Is it me or have you lost weight?  Listen, I really appreciate the Birthday card but you’re too much.  You’re just so nice, and smart.  Could be a little funnier but that’s ok.  I’ve been meaning to tell you that I really feel bad about your BB team – I don’t know what’s going on there but you’ll get better, because you’re such a good guy.  Stick with the white football helmets.  Seriously, you’re our favorite (don’t tell anyone we said that though).

5.  University of Virginia:  Hey, great job killing off that poor Lacrosse girl.  And here we thought you were cool.  Well, I take that back – you’re an asswipe. And you’ve gotten cockier.  Let me just tell you that, yes, we are jealous of you.  I mean, good Lord, there are 40 wineries within 30 minutes of your campus.  And Charlottesville is tremendous.  And your school is pretty good.  Yes, I’m jealous – is that what you fucking wanted to hear?  You don’t have to be a dick about it.  Still, though, if having all that means you have to wear a tie and shirt to a football game, I’m out.  That’s just the douchiest thing ever.  I mean, of ALL FUCKING TIME.  There’s no crying in baseball and there are no ties in football, you douche!

6.  Syracuse University:  Well, buddy, we’re in.  I don’t know how we pulled this off.  Did you let Swofford bang Mrs. Boeheim or something?  I mean, how the hell did we convince these guys that Syracuse and Pittsburgh have:  a) good football programs, and b) decent winter weather?  Those guys really are stupid; or maybe we’re just brilliant.  Whatever – good seeing you here.  Now don’t do something to screw it up because we both know we can’t afford the exit fee.  What’s that?  You’re no longer in the Association of American Universities?  Shit.

7.  Boston College:  Fuck you assholes.  We still hate you and always will.  Your colors suck, your town sucks, your school sucks, and your religion sucks.  Everything about you has always sucked and always will.  In fact, they found an ancient Egyptian temple with hieroglyphics all over that say, “Boston College Sucks.” Nostradamus’ lost works say that Boston College will suck forever.  Your suckiness transcends space and time.  You even smell bad – take a bath you freak.  Oh, and Boston Cream Pie is about the worst desert ever.

8.  Florida State University:  On our first date, you were wearing a size 10 dress; and you still are today.  I don’t know what that says but it’s probably, “ok.”  I don’t know if I should like you, hate you, feel bad for you, or what.  You dress up a white guy in Indian gear as a mascot – that’s just so stupid; like, West Virginia stupid.  But then you have those hot chics – I have to give you credit there.  But then there’s Jimbo Fisher and I’m like, “What the fuck?!  You guys actually think he’s a good coach??!!!”  Maybe I should just wait to pass judgment.  So be on notice:  you are being evaluated at all times.

9.  Notre Dame:  Oh for God’s sakes – just when we thought we were away from your creepiness, you’re back in.  You’re like those pedophile Priests who get moved from Parish to Parish, creeping out a whole new set of kids.  Did you know that we had to send everyone in the Conference to training on how to deal with you in the workplace?  You’re like an HR nightmare, you weirdo.  I could tolerate this arrangement if you joined for football.  But of course, NOOOOOO, you wouldn’t do that.  Oh, Brian Kelly is a murderer, by the way.  And I’m pretty sure Mike Bray is too; I just don’t have evidence…yet.

10.  Clemson University:  Look, this redneck thing is going a little overboard.  It was funny at first.  Just look at your dopey mascot’s outfit – the thing looks like it was made by the Special Ed kids in Home Eco class.  Have some self-respect.  And Crocs aren’t considered appropriate attire for a wedding. Listen, I’m not perfect either – have you seen my gut?  I’m honestly trying to help.  But what I’m saying is visiting the dentist twice a year wouldn’t hurt.  What kind of name is Dabo, anyway?  You’ve got a lot of potential – you really do. And this is despite living in a State whose Governor is a complete immoral retard and they STILL voted him back into politics.  But you’ve got to clean it up, just a little.  Drink Budweiser instead of Milwaukee’s Best, for God’s sakes.  And get the ’67 Impala on blocks off your front yard.

11.  University of North Carolina:  Boy, oh boy, how the mighty have fallen.  You remind me of Amanda Bynes:  all nice and proper, things were going great, then you ran into the smack or something.  Good grief.  I think Roy Williams’ basketball IQ dropped 50 points since we last talked.  And for some reason, you think you’re good enough to cheat and get away with it.  You’re not.  And to think I used to respect you. Look at you now – I bet you have a bottle of vodka in your desk drawer right now.  I’m trying to be your friend here – it’s time for an intervention.  28 days in rehab and I think you’ll be on the straight and narrow.  But you have to want it; I can’t do it for you.

12.  University of Louisville:  You’re dumb and hot.  Simple as that.  Not much substance, no character, no personality.  Just teased hair, fake boobs, high heels, and a thong bikini.  You’ll always have a job – someone will hire you to do SOMETHING.  And I have to respect that – you use what you have.  And sadly, you beat us in pretty much everything so who am I to look down on you.  Still, you ARE dumb. That’s ok – we’re ugly and I’d take hot over ugly any day.  Congrats.

13.  Duke University:  oh, you’re such an annoying little shit.  Pompous little bitch.  I know you got a perfect score on your SAT but you still have to get along with people in life.  Maybe I’m not the smartest, or the richest, but I know how to have a good time with just about anyone.  You?  Yeah, you make more than me, and you live in that fancy house, and your wife has a great rack and the personal trainer keeps her in great shape.  But you know what, my plus sized wife can beat her up if it comes to that.  And my wife, will drink a beer and doesn’t roll her eyes when I fart.  So fuck you.  Yes, you’re better than me.  But kiss my ass you prick.

14.  Virginia Tech University:  Meh – how can I hate you when I completely own you?  I said it two years ago:  even at your best you can’t beat us.  Fast forward to September 2012:  Pitt loses its opener to fucking Youngstown State.  Did you hear me?  Youngs-fucking-town State!  What happens next?  We cream your dopey team.  What the hell is the matter with you?  We suck – really, we can’t do shit right in football!  We can’t even hire a Coach who lasts longer than 10 minutes.  And we STILL kick your ass up and down the field.

Well, anyway, I really have no beef with you.  It’d be like hating on a kid with Down’s syndrome.  I’ll just pat you on the head when you walk by and buy you a lollipop.

15.  University of Miami:  Just when I thought you were going to crawl back into your hole forever, you go out and get a decent BB team.  You’re like a friggin’ cockroach – why won’t you die?  I suppose I’ll have to take joy in the fact that your football program is done forever.  Face it – that shit isn’t coming back.  You could get all of Michael Irvin’s cocaine to power that engine back on but it’s just not going to happen.  I saw some National Geographic thing where it said most of the greater Miami area will be under water in 50 years due to rising sea levels.  I just smiled and thought of your crappy school being washed away.  But then I remembered that you really are a cockroach. Oh, yeah, one more thing – the pharmacy called to remind you that your VD medicine is ready for pick-up – stop hooking up with Jamaican prostitutes you nasty mother-fucker.

—Yours truly,
University of Pittsburgh