Here is Coach Chryst’s schedule:
March 14th – Finalize staff plans for the next month. Declare recruiting a disaster and decide not to do it any longer this year. Ask staff to reaffirm commitment to PITT in writing. Ask Joe Rudolph how he developed a sudden wrist injury and can’t sign.
March 15th – Spring practice opens. Watch QB drills where Sunseri amazingly completes his first five deep balls thus cementing his starting job for a third straight year. Make public announcement to that effect. Ask the Athletic Director why the PITT ticket office is suddenly flooded with season ticket cancellations.
March 16th – Hold first official team meeting. Ask anyone who wants to transfer to declare it now. Go looking for Trey Anderson as he had to leave the team meeting to go to the men’s room and hasn’t been seen since. Review the program’s Rules and Standards of PITT Football. Scream at the secretary who forgot to search and replace “Chryst” for “Graham” in the document. Discuss Chryst Amendment #1 which states that any PITT football player(s) who break into a student’s dorm party and beat the crap out of numerous students are required to clean Heinz Field after the next game.
March 21st – Readjust two-deep lineup. Demote Sunseri because he keeps running out of bounds as soon as he gets the snap. Elevate Myers to 1st string on the condition Myers can find his playbook – which is propping up a broken bed leg in his dorm room. Ask Ray Graham if he’s 100% sure he can’t participate in practices; infer he’s a pussy when Graham starts waving his crutch around while saying “I can’t even walk, cracker!”
