Lee will be getting married in about six weeks. This lengthy excerpt is for him.

Q: What types of non-sporting events do you bet on? We recently attended a wedding in Atlantic City, and had the following lines in play:

1. Number of bridesmaids: +/- 6
2. Number of ice sculptures: +/- 3
3. Length of church service: +/- 45 minutes
4. Time when first drunk guest makes a fool out of themselves: +/- 9.30 p.m.

Any ideas for other events? — Mike K., Philadelphia

SG: You came to the right place. I’ve attended so many weddings over the past 10 years, they’ve all merged together into some sort of drunken haze. And let’s face it: Every wedding is pretty much the same. By the time you hit your late-’20s, you could care less about who’s getting married; you only want a fast ceremony, an open bar, and a cool balcony or deck outside where everyone can smoke butts.

So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. … I mean, that’s inspired genius. Let’s assume that we’re working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:

1. Quality of the best man’s toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man’s speech. I can’t believe somebody hasn’t turned “Worst Best Man Speeches” into its own TV show yet.

2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I’ve only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.

3. Groom’s horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody’s attractive cousin who isn’t 21 yet (even odds): And somebody’s mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.

4. Band plays “I Will Survive” (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There’s always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.

5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of “I’m sad because my friend’s getting married and I’m still single” with “I’m horny and drunk” and “Everyone looks good because we’re all dressed up,” just about anything’s possible. They probably can’t make these odds high enough.

6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here’s the worst thing: You can’t really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.

7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.

8. The Mother-Groom dance is “You Look Wonderful Tonight” (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.

9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.

10. The token “couple who’s been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up” have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh … I’m having flashbacks …

And the ultimate long-shot bet…

11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It’s dark, it’s evil … but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.

Just so you know what we’re talking about during the reception.

I’m starting to wonder.

Sophomore receiver Larry Fitzgerald, a first-team All-Big East Conference selection last season and widely regarded as the top wideout in the country, injured his left hamstring after being tackled in a drill early in practice.

“We’ll have to wait to get it evaluated by the doctor,” Coach Walt Harris said. “We hate to see anyone get hurt. Anytime your top player gets hurt, hopefully, it’s not very serious. We don’t have any idea, yet.”

Fitzgerald, who had 69 receptions for 1,005 yards and 12 touchdowns last season, caught a pass near the sideline and was tackled by linebacker Joe Dipre. Fitzgerald went down awkwardly and immediately clutched the back of his leg.

He gingerly limped across the field, had ice applied by the training staff and spent the rest of practice with his leg elevated on a Gatorade bucket.

This goes back to Latef Grim in 2000. He was all-Big East, supposed to be the go-to guy. He all but disappeared in the season. Of course Sophmore, Antonio Bryant, stepped up and was huge. So big expectations for him in 2001. What happens? In the first or second game, he goes down with a leg or foot injury. A virtual non-factor until the last game of the year. That left Pitt with R.J. English as the go to guy (R.J. will deserve his own blog entry at some point).

Last year, Fitzgerald seemingly came out of no where to amaze and astound. He’s pre-season all-American and Big East this year. Considered one of the best WR in college. Oh, boy.

Update: It doesn’t appear to be a serious hamstring injury. Still, I’m going to be holding my breath everytime he sprints down the sideline.

This is getting ridiculous…

Please accept my humblest apologies for not making it perfectly clear that “the last time” Celtic and Man U played meant the last time before July’s game. It should be obvious to all the readers of this site (which are all the readers of our e-mails, in which it was also made perfectly clear that you believed that Celtic and Man U played only that one time in Seattle).

Show me an e-mail where I said that I thought that Celtic and Man U have only ever played once in recorded history (in Seattle). As little as I may know about soccer, even I know that English Premier League teams do stoop to playing Scottish Premier League teams from time to time.

What can I do to make it up to you, Lee?

Admitting that you were wrong was more than enough. Thank you.

But the notion that TOSU is just as bit an urban school as Pitt is a little absurd. Columbus is a giant sprawling suburb with a small neighborhood of openly gay artistic types in the middle. Not a city in the real sense – not enough population density.

You’ve never really been to Columbus, have you? Trust me, it has a downtown with practically as much population density as Pittsburgh. But unlike Pittsburgh, Columbus is growing.

Really, anybody in Columbus who read your description of their city would be laughing their butts off right about now. Who exactly is defining “city in the real sense” here? You? Are “cities in the real sense” only those that look just like Pittsburgh? And what do cities “in the real sense” have to do with either density in and of itself or “openly gay artistic types?”

Besides, TOSU is a mammoth school, drawing the sons and daughters of insurance salesmen, small factory owners and Rotary, Lions, Kiwanas and Eagles club members from all over suburban and rural Ohio. Not exactly Temple – or even Pitt, for that matter. Pitt and Temple are true uban schools, in that they draw (tradtionally and even today) mainly from their metro area.

Let the record show that I am a dairy farmer’s son from Crawford County, you are a professor’s son from Indiana County, Shawn is a high school librarian’s son from Mercer County, John is from rural Louisiana, and Chas is from Lebanon County (I honestly forget where Harlan is from… sorry). All of us are white. We don’t exactly fit your urban profile, Pat. And only one of us was raised in Pittsburgh’s Metropolitan Statistical Area (John). According to you, we should have all gone to a Big Ten school, perhaps Penn State.

And more Ohio State students come from Franklin County, Ohio than from any other county in the U.S., just as more Pitt students come from Allegheny County, Pennsylvania than from any other county. And incidentally, the heart of rural Ohio — Cuyahoga County — is the second most popular home of OSU students. But that aside, any land grant university is going to draw statewide more than a regional school like Pitt. Does that make the land grant school any less urban?

Ohio State isn’t all that much more mammoth than Pitt either: 50,000 vs. 32,000. They’re both pretty big by national standards.

But I think the crux of the matter, again, is that you — someone who has never set foot on OSU’s campus — are assuming that Ohio State is Penn State with red uniforms. Let me, an alumnus of both Ohio State and Pitt, assure you that the two have a lot more in common with each other than either has with Penn State.

Jesus, Pat. I don’t think that I’ve kicked anybody’s ass so badly in an argument for years. Punt, already.

Hail to Rural Kids Going to Urban Schools Despite Where Pat Thinks We Should Go

Please accept my humblest apologies for not making it perfectly clear that “the last time” Celtic and Man U played meant the last time before July’s game. It should be obvious to all the readers of this site (which are all the readers of our e-mails, in which it was also made perfectly clear that you believed that Celtic and Man U played only that one time in Seattle).
What can I do to make it up to you, Lee?

I’ll leave to Chas to report on just how obnoxious TOSU fans really are, since he is forced to live among them.

But the notion that TOSU is just as bit an urban school as Pitt is a little absurd. Columbus is a giant sprawling suburb with a small neighborhood of openly gay artistic types in the middle. Not a city in the real sense – not enough population density. Besides, TOSU is a mammoth school, drawing the sons and daughters of insurance salesmen, small factory owners and Rotary, Lions, Kiwanas and Eagles club members from all over suburban and rural Ohio. Not exactly Temple – or even Pitt, for that matter. Pitt and Temple are true uban schools, in that they draw (tradtionally and even today) mainly from their metro area. TOSU is a lot more like PSU than you are willing to admit.

As for pioneering the black student athelete, I didn’t realize Jesse Owens played football. No wonder Hilter’s ubermenchen were no match for him. Not that I agree with them, but didn’t the black athletes in Mexico 1968 consider him a Tom, and not black enough? Just the kind of black man that White America loves? Especially Buckeyes?

This would be a great time for stats, but just what are the minority enrollment rates at Big11 universities [which are in the Big11 not for sports, but for the research money – yeah, right]?

{By the way, Pitt’s John Woodruff also won gold in 1936, in the 800 meter run.}

Living in the heart of SEC country, all I hear about is dawgs this / gators that / go orange / roll tide, and that the sec is the best of all the conferences. It’s hard to deny that SEC fans truly love their teams- more than is exhibited by other conference’s fans. I have lived in PAC-10 country, chilled in Big-10 country, been through Big XII country during football season, and nothing compares to the experience that SEC fans provide. They are loyal- all of them. But, loyalty does not win championships. I’ve heard it said of both the Big-10, and the SEC that the conference is so good that it plays itself out of the national championship game. To me that is a poor excuse for not winning a championship, or even playing for one. In the last four years (1999-2002), the Big East has contended for three National Championships, winning one. 1999: Florida St. v. Va. Tech; 2000: Oklahoma v. Florida St.; 2001: Miami v. Nebraska; 2002: Ohio State v. Miami. In that period, ACC= 1 championship, Big XII= 1 championship, Big East= 1 championship, and Big-10= 1 championship. One must go back yet another year to find the SEC, when for the 1998 national championship Tennessee beat Florida St.

From 1999-2002, the Big East conference contended for more national championships than did any other conference- three. From 1998-2002, both the Big East and the ACC each contended for three championships. The Big XII contended for two, the SEC and Big-10 one each. The conference fans will tell you the reason for this is that their conference is so good that by the end of the season, they have beaten up on each other too badly to play for a title. Doesn’t the national championship stand for the best (most athletically talented) team in the country? Isn’t that shown by being the team that can overcome the adversity of the regular season and rise to the challenge to beat another similarly situated team?

To play in the national championship game these days, a team must be either BCS #1, or BCS #2. A whole lot more than wins and losses is figured into which team is decided BCS #1 and BCS #2. Another critical factor is strength of schedule. I submit that if the Big East can send a representative to the national championship game three of the last four years, that during that period the conference was at least on par with the other majors despite the fact that the non-conference games played by Miami and Va. Tech during their title game years were teams of high caliber. Of course, after this season, things will change.

I’m looking forward to the dust settling!

Let’s go over Pat’s half-baked arguments and overgeneralizations one at a time.

1) you asked – nay, demanded – that Celtic beat Manchester United just ONCE. All I did was point out to all the readers of this site that Celtic DID beat Man U (as recently as 2002).

You did more than just that. You claimed that…

the last time Manchester United played Celtic was in 2002 at Old Trafford in Manchester, with Celtic winning 4-3. Bitch.

This is blatantly false, unless what happened in Seattle in 2003 wasn’t really a soccer game. Admittedly, I doubt that any of the fans present stayed awake long enough to find out for sure.

Besides, this site has no readers.

2) As for falling into traps regarding academic reputations, let us not forget the favorite passtime of many college football fans – turning to academics when their team is down.

Indeed. When we were students at Pitt, I distinctly remember a letter to the editor of the Pitt News from a faculty council that argued that Pitt should drop football, since it was academically too good to play against the Penn States of the world anyways.

Incidentally, at the time, Penn State was actually a tougher school to get into than Pitt.

And who are the worst offenders? Why, the Big11 schools, thank you very much… “We may not have won this year, but at least our players aren’t illiterate criminals like _____ (insert above listed school here)” they seem to repeat ad nausem.

Once again, you’re assuming that all Big Ten schools are just like Penn State, and that all Big Ten fans sound just like the typical Lion fan. The Big Ten is far more diverse than that. Ohio State and the University of Minnesota are every bit as urban as Pitt is.

With the exception of this year’s Fiesta Bowl, I’ve never heard a fellow Ohio State fan claim that our players are somehow morally superior to any other school’s players (and heck, EVERY school’s players are morally superior to Miami’s).

Besides, I do believe that one Big Ten school did win it all this year. And I do believe that the Big Ten had the best conference bowl record, allegedly superior academics and all.

These rich white guys who give money to their favorite schools don’t like the idea of rooting for a bunch of illiterate criminals – especially if they are black. So they fool themselves into thinking that their school/conference would never stoop so low as to admit a person of low moral character (i.e. an upiddy negro from the ghetto who doesn’t appreciate the value of a college education).

Might I remind you that Ohio State pioneered the use of African-American players long before Pitt did (Jesse Owens was a Buckeye). And in terms of minority enrollment today, Ohio State and Pitt are practically twins. Once again, you’re assuming that all Big Ten schools look just like lilly-white Penn State.

3) True, some of our fellow tailgaters have not developed the emnity for all things Nittany that is necessary to lead a true, moral, and just life. Give them time. And give them guidance, whenever it is needed. In this area, we must be true to the undeniable fact – Penn State Sucks above all others.

I’ll agree to that much.

4) As for your allusion to the Declaration of Independence, it was offered in the context of a blog that was already constituted. It was an attempt to define the parameters of a blog that was in existence, not to morally justify a nascent blog that was yet to be.
Therefore, your reference was, in spirit, more analogous to the Constitution than to the Declaration of Independence. Ergo, any critique of said constitution would rightly appear in the spirit of those who wished to amend the Constitution (the Anti-Federalists).
Quad, erat, demonstandum.

Uh-huh. The prosecution smugly rests.

Hail to Man U and the English Premier League, the best of the British Isles

To Lee, with love…
1) Lee, you asked – nay, demanded – that Celtic beat Manchester United just ONCE. All I did was point out to all the readers of this site that Celtic DID beat Man U (as recently as 2002). And in Manchester, no less – not a neutral site 4000 miles from both teams’ homes.

2) As for falling into traps regarding academic reputations, let us not forget the favorite passtime of many college football fans – turning to academics when their team is down.

And who are the worst offenders? Why, the Big11 schools, thank you very much. If they let a school like Syracuse into their conference, how will they (you, since TOSU is your other alma mater) prance around in such a superior way when discussing top flight football programs (in particular, usual suspects OU, Nebraska, FSU, Florida and the SEC, and Miami). “We may not have won this year, but at least our players aren’t illiterate criminals like _____ (insert above listed school here)” they seem to repeat ad nausem.

The only school that can measure up in the self fellatio over academics department is Notre Dame (which in fact surpasses all Big11 schools in this regard).
Admitting Syracuse would cramp thier style. What the hell would these Big11 fans talk about?

MORE IMPORTANTLY, what will they talk about at the fundraisers? The self-importance of it all is what helps the Big11 schools to raise money. These rich white guys who give money to their favorite schools don’t like the idea of rooting for a bunch of illiterate criminals – especially if they are black. So they fool themselves into thinking that their school/conference would never stoop so low as to admit a person of low moral character (i.e. an upiddy negro from the ghetto who doesn’t appreciate the value of a college education). Perpetuating this myth is how these schools maintain their level of support – even if it is a .BOLD FACED LIE. You are right about the money, but pretending it is not about the money is precisely how they raise money.

3) True, some of our fellow tailgaters have not developed the emnity for all things Nittany that is necessary to lead a true, moral, and just life. Give them time. And give them guidance, whenever it is needed. In this area, we must be true to the undeniable fact – Penn State Sucks above all others.

4) As for your allusion to the Declaration of Independence, it was offered in the context of a blog that was already constituted. It was an attempt to define the parameters of a blog that was in existence, not to morally justify a nascent blog that was yet to be.
Therefore, your reference was, in spirit, more analogous to the Constitution than to the Declaration of Independence. Ergo, any critique of said constitution would rightly appear in the spirit of those who wished to amend the Constitution (the Anti-Federalists).
Quad, erat, demonstandum.